Christmas 2014

I feel so blessed to have my little family forever. Christmas came really fast this year, especially since we had an unexpected event that landed me in the hospital for four days. Things are looking up now though and we will remember the great memories we made this Christmas season and we are also looking forward to a brand new year.

 I had this brilliant idea to take pictures of Harper and Camden in their Christmas Pajama's...they didn't turn out quite like I had planned, but they are perfect and even better than I had expected for our family right now. 

I don't think I will ever be able to repay my Heavenly Father for giving me the best husband and two beautiful, healthy children. I am forever in his dept. 

I hope you all had a Merry Christmas!

Camden is Two!

On November 18th, my not so baby boy turned 2! I have no idea where this last year has gone, but I love the little man he has turned in to. Camden is such a busy body and has been since the minute he was born. I feel like this kid in constantly on the go and has a real love for life. I have enjoyed looking at the little things that bring him excitement everyday and enjoying life through his eyes. 

Camden has a real love for cars, shovel trucks, and Trains. He is ALL BOY don't you think! He points out every bus, truck, train, shovel truck, etc. when we are driving in the car. He'll usually yell out "Mama, See it!" It's my favorite thing :) He can count to ten, tell you every animal noise, and knows so many words we can't keep count anymore. 

His favorite movies right now are Peter Pan and Polar Express. He LOVES Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and every single character in the show. He loves going on walks and really enjoys reading books. 

Camden is still the world's best sleeper! We moved him into a big boy bed at about 19 months and it didn't even phase him. In fact I think he prefers it over his crib. He is also still taking a nap most days. 

Camden still loves his food. The only thing that has really changed with his eating habits is his love for veggies. He will still eat them, but they aren't his favorite anymore. He would eat fruit all day every day if he had his choice. He also enjoys sauce with everything! And will ask for fruit snacks a million times a day ( thank goodness mom isn't a push over).

We decided to have a vintage cars theme for Camden this year. Mom mother-in-law and cute gal in my mom's neighborhood made the cute cookies, cupcakes, and Camden's cake. 

We had Jimmy John's Sandwiches pickles, and chips for lunch in the cutest car lunchboxes. 

Camden was spoiled with gifts! He got to go do a build a bear the week of his birthday. He got books, building blocks, pajamas, a toddler BBQ grill, shovel trucks, and hot wheels. 

Camden had been practicing for weeks to blow out that birthday candle and he did great! 

Happy 2 years old my baby boy. Let the fun ( and tantrums) begin ;)

Feeling Thankful

Where to begin...I haven't done an update for about two weeks and desperately felt like I needed to. I frequently will glance back at my blog and read old posts and I simply couldn't stand reading my last post because I have made strides since then...big ones I feel like.

My post partum Anxiety was OUT OF CONTROL two weeks ago when I posted. I say out of control because before that week it was manageable. I could talk myself through it. Settle myself down. This week it was like I had absolutely no control over it...almost like it was it's own monster. Ugh...it was a terrible feeling. We had my Brother-in-laws wedding and after experiencing a full on anxiety attack during the ceremony, I decided to phone my doctor. Now here is the hard thing with these meds they put you on for post partum depression and anxiety...some work and some don't, and some make everything ten times worse. Well, the second one they put me on was suppose to be more mild, as in the side effects I would experience. It however can heighten anxiety and boy was it doing just that. My doctor and I decided after being on this mediation for five weeks, I had given it a fair try and it was time to switch (yet again). Much to my surprise he took me off the anti-depressant and stuck me solely on a medication just for anxiety. I was absolutely terrified at first. I questioned, but what if I am depressed and now I am not going to be on anything for that.

I have had to do a lot of reflecting this past week. I have been trying to figure out how and when all this happened. I have asked myself a million times if this really all began because I was depressed. I don't feel like it started because of that...it started because I have anxiety, which then caused me to feel sad, hopeless, overwhelmed, etc. That's what anxiety does to you. I am learning that. I do feel scared about the what if's, but the medication they have me on now has helped a ton. The counseling I have received has helped a ton and I have also been going to a support group with a friend who is dealing with the same thing.

I have slowly been weaning off the anti-depressant. I noticed an immediate change when I stopped taking that everyday. My anxiety was cut in half. and everyday seems to be getting better. I really hope it will continue. I am hopeful.

It is amazing how much I have learned about myself these past 7 weeks. I have learned you never know what someone else is going through, so don't judge them. I have been so guilty of being judgmental of others.

 I have learned that life can be simplified. Not every single minute of my day needs to be filled (I'm still working on this one). The dishes can wait, the laundry can wait. I now find myself asking if it's life or death. Does it need to be done this very minute? If not, then it's not worth the stress or anxiety.

I have learned to ask for help. (also still working on this one) I don't have to do everything on my own.

 I've learned it's okay to not be a perfect mom and on those days when I am about to lose it, I remind myself that I am not the only mom who feels like that some days. I'm normal.

I have learned that beating yourself up for not doing all the things that other moms are doing is the worst way to throw yourself right into a bad mood.

This experience has been a reality check for me. A refining lesson that needed to be learned. There are still moments of struggle obviously...but I am getting through them and that of itself is a HUGE accomplishment. Every mom has struggles and that is something I am trying to remember.

I am feeling so Thankful for the people my Heavenly Father has placed in my life. They are there for a reason. I have made a lot of improvements these last two weeks. I am proud of myself :)

One Step Forward, and Five Steps Back

Don't ask me what this funk is that I am stuck in this week...ugh! Ever since Monday I feel like I have been battling myself. Forcing myself to get up and go again. It's exhausting...this emotional roller coaster that I feel like I am never going to get off of. But in all reality I know I will. I am just trying to acknowledge how I am feeling and move on with the day...which is why I am here.

I've been exhausted this week...which has somewhat made me upset because I've been fine in this category since starting medication five weeks ago. When I get upset my anxiety is triggered and it's like the whole cycle starts over again. Tuesday night Camden was up coughing all night and crying. I felt so bad for him and it made me cry. All I wanted to do was make him feel better. So naturally we didn't get a lot of sleep. I knew the next morning was going to rough. Boy was I right! I feel like I jumped five steps back in this ppd and ppa. My anxiety was crazy and I was beyond exhausted to the point I probably could have cried all day long. I have to remind myself that most moms feel a "normal" amount of anxiety when their child is sick and they worry about them. I was so upset with myself that I couldn't hold it together to take care of two kids...so then I started to focus on all the negative instead of the fact that I was trying my best.

I got Camden in the tub and ended up getting him out early because his temperature shot up to 104 and the poor child was really not responding to me. I began freaking out! Should I take him to the hospital? Every time I would try to move him he would scream, and then Harper decided to wake up from her nap and started screaming for mom too. And that is when I lost it! I called my mother in law bawling my eyes out because I was so overwhelmed...The same overwhelmed feeling that started this whole crazy roller coaster ride a month ago. She came over to help and shortly after my mom showed up as well. Camden's fever started to go down. We finally got him down for a nap and Harper and I took a nap as well.

I felt sick all night...and irritable, and annoyed, and really not wanting to do anything. I went to bed when the kids went down. We read our scriptures and said our prayers and I was out. So here we are today...I didn't want to get up this morning. I haven't had much motivations this week and it's been so tough on me because just when I felt like things were getting better, I feel like they are getting worse again.

It's the roller coaster ride of ppd and ppa. It's the ups and downs. And as much as I hate them I don't really have a choice, but to ride it out. The fact that I got up with Camden Tuesday night and was able to attend to him means I am a good mom. The fact that I wanted to hold him and cry for him means I am a good mom. It was hard to ask for help yesterday, but I did it and it made me feel so much better. I really do have the best support system and that is something that I feel so grateful for. I couldn't get through this alone, I really couldn't.

Today will get better, tomorrow will be better. We will be celebrating the wedding of my Brother in Law Josh and his soon to be wife Haley.

Here's to better days!!

"Most' Days

Today I am grateful for so many things. Things that before I experienced what ppd feels like, I would have taken for granted. Like most morning it's tough to get out of bed, but most mornings are getting easier. Most days are getting easier. Most moments I feel anxiety or I feel depressed or sad about something, are getting easier to get through. I say "most" because there are hard days in between those "most" days. The key is to get through that tough day. Pat myself on the back. And realize that the next day is a brand.new.day.

I can totally say all of this when I am feeling good or having a good day and maybe that's why I feel like I need to write (type) it out. So on those days when I want to cry, when I want to give up, when I think it's just too hard, I will be able to work my way through it.

It has taken me sometime to get to this point where I am right now. I am in my fourth week from when I started medicaton. Most medications take 3- 6 weeks until you can start to feel the effects of it. When I first heard this fact, I wanted to give up right then and there. Oh my goodness nothing seemed more impossible to me. But guess what...here we are! "Most days" are getting better and better.

I know my Heavenly Father has placed people in my life to help me get through this. I'm not alone.

Harper {5} Months Old

Here is our little Harper at {5} Months old. Since I recently did an update on our little girl and {most} things are still the same, I will wait to do an update on her at {6} months. 

I decided to take a picture of Harper in her Halloween costume since it was her {5} month birthday on October 31st! And I'd say she sure is a cute little mouse. 

I might start placing bets whether or not she'll be crawling by Christmas! This little girl is on the move, rolling every which way and scootching herself backwards to get where she wants to go. She has been attempting to also pull those little knees up. Once this little girl figures it out, I know she'll be taking off in now time :)

This little girl has a huge personality and most days I get looks like the picture above. Keep on smiling Harper. We love you so much!!

Inspiration

Last night while feeding Harper,  I decided to flip through my phone and look at old pictures.  They always seem to bring me a lot of happiness and give me hope that I will be "normal" again. I have a life beyond this depression and anxiety. I have so many blessing and I know that, I just need to get my mind back to "normal". So I decided to close my eyes and scroll down on my phone to see what picture would show up. And here is what did...

I posted this quote on Instagram for my dear niece a couple of months ago because she had recently lost a best friend to a terrible accident.  Little did I know that this quote would be for me as well a couple of months later. I know I saw this quote for the very reason that heavenly father knew I needed it. 

I had the great opportunity of going to dinner with a childhood friend last night. I grew up hanging out with her sister and for the last ten years have followed eachother on Instagram.  She recently reached out to me because she too has been going through similar ppst Partum depression.  Our little girls are just a month apart. I needed this talk with her and dinner more than she'll ever understand.  It gave me the hope I needed to push myself a little more and that I am doing great if I am taking baby steps everyday.  She also told me something that really stuck with me last night and really hit home when I read this quote...

When you're going through something like this all you want to do is have life be back the way it was before. To live your life the way you did before. You just want everything to be back to normal. I have felt this too until she made a point...move forward.... Become a better person from this.  Have more compassion,  empathy, and understanding towards people. She said before all this happened she was oblivious to any of this going on around her because like everyone else, it's hard to understand if you haven't been there. She made me realize that I don't want to go back to having the life I did before.  I want to go back to a new, more understanding,  more empathetic,  stronger Randi.  

This is what I have to get through to rebuild my life the way my heavenly father wants me to. It's not the easiest way, but I know I can do it with the help of wonderful friends, family, my children, and my heavenly father.  

Hard Days

I have been contemplating whether or not to write my feelings down lately. I think I am afraid that if I write my feelings down than everything becomes very real. That I might actually have a problem. That I might not be as perfect as so and so, or as good as a mom as I should be. I first want to start off by saying that My life isn't perfect, but I do know I am very blessed. Some day's I forget just how blessed I am because like many moms out there, you compare yourself to everyone and everything.

Somewhere along the way I got this idea that everything had to be perfect all the time. That my toddler couldn't leave the house in his pajamas, or that his hair always had to be done. I actually still feel this way today. I too was guilty of judging other moms. Like if I saw a child whose hair wasn't done, or if they weren't dressed for the day, I would assume that mom just didn't care and I vowed I would never let my kids look like that. It breaks my heart to even think that I could have judged someone like that. I have learned that you never know what someone else is going through. You never know if they got up that day and it took every single bit of strength for them to get out of bed, attend to their children, and run to the store to grab a few items.

Why I am writing about this? Because what I just described above is the exact way I have felt these past few weeks. Now, I am not writing about this to get sympathy. I am writing about this in hopes that if there is someone out there who is feeling this same way, they will know they are not alone.

I had a girl in my ward say to me the other day that she would have never guessed something was wrong with me because my life is so perfect and I'm always so happy. Although that was very sweet of her to say, I have often wondered that about other moms. Do they have struggles? Have they ever dealt with Post Partum Depression? Do they have hard days? Now days I feel like all I do is look at Facebook, Pinterest, and Instagram and think about the things I am not doing as a mom, or a wife. I have found myself being jealous and desiring what other's have without taking a step back and realizes what God has given me. Unfortunately I have been guilty of posting only the positive things in my life and that gives people a false perspective of how reality really is. There are hard days. There are moments of just wanting to throw in the towel. Or dreaming that you were laying on a beach, soaking in the sun like so and so.

When I had Harper, I felt like I was on cloud nine. I had this whole mommy of two thing down. And I would often ask myself why people made such a big deal about it. It was a piece of cake for me...or at least I thought. Maybe that was half of my problem. Because as soon as a wrench got thrown into the mix my whole world came tumbling down. Seven weeks post partum I began feeling sick and ended up in the ER because they thought I was having a Thyroid Storm do to thyroid issues that I have had since before Camden. We found out I was suffering from Post partum Thyroiditis. Soon after getting my levels back to normal I began to feel better. At that point I began loading things on to myself because I felt great. John and I opened an Etsy shop and things took off really quick. We were selling things like crazy and me thinking I was "super mom" was handling it all at home. I noticed my house chores began to come second to getting things done for our shop. I was getting frustrated when my kids would cry for my attention because I just HAD to get these things done. I was staying up until midnight just to get things done and walking around like a zombie the next days. My cup was getting full, but I kept pushing myself and pushing myself and adding more and more to my cup.

I pretty much remember the moment that cup overflowed...I couldn't even think straight. I went to bed early that night and the next day everything went haywire. I laid in bed, cried and cried and cried. I had no motivation to get up and attend my children. I felt overwhelmed, I felt hopeless like I was never going to be able to get out of bed. I felt numb, I felt like I didn't know myself. I knew something was wrong, but didn't know what. I thought it was my thyroid again. I just couldn't face the fact that someone who is so happy and has this love for life and love for my children would be experiencing Post Partum Depression. And couldn't people only get that like the first month or so after birth?...Wrong, it can happen up to a year after birth.

I was immediately started on a medication to help with this so called depression that I just could not get myself to believe I had. And sometimes right now I just fight with myself about it. I had a terrible reaction to the drugs and it made things worse. For days I couldn't watch my own kids. I ended up back in the ER because we didn't know what to do. I thought I was honestly going to have to be admitted to the hospital.

I am still struggling everyday. Most mornings are super challenging to get out of bed. But, once I make it over that hump, everything is cream :) I have to do a lot of reflecting with myself and recognize how I am feeling so I can help myself work through it. Without my kids I would be lacking all motivation because I know they need me. I KNOW THEY NEED ME. And I need them just as much. My faith has been wavered. This is a trial that I pray everyday I will make it through. Some days and some moments are easier than others. But you know what...I am better today than I was two weeks ago and right now I am hopeful that two weeks from now I will be better than I am today.

Harper 3 & 4 Months

Time has slipped away from us again, but our baby girl keeps growing and learning new things every day. I wish time would just stand still. So that I could stop and enjoy these little moments with Harper that I know come and go so quickly. Her little personality is the cutest thing I have ever seen. Her smile is one that could light up any gloomy day. People are always commenting on how big and beautiful her smile is. All you have to do is talk to her and she lights up. She does have her moments of drama (like most girls), but nothing a good cuddle can't fix. Have I mentioned how much this little girl loves her dad?! She could stare (and smile) at him all day long. It melts my heart...

Here is little Harper at {3} Months

Height & Weight

We had Harper's {4} Month appointment this week. We are a little late considering she'll be 5 months on Halloween. But at 4 ( and a half) months she weighs 14.33 lbs. and is a whopping 26 inches long! She falls about right in the middle of the scale for her weight, but height she is in the 89th percentile. Baby girl still has a small head, just like her brother did. Her doctor said she is healthy and that makes us so happy. 

 She is currently wearing 3-6 months clothes, but man oh man those leggings are getting snug and most of her tops are getting two short. Also, because she is so long, most of her footie pajama's are getting to small. I am sure we'll be moving up to bigger sizes soon enough. We also moved her up to a size 2 in diapers. There is nothing more cute than her double chin and thigh rolls!! 

Health

I am happy to report that Little Harper has not been sick at all these last two months! I am hoping we can keep this trend going. Especially with the sick season ahead of us. It's hard when you have two kids. If one gets sick, usually bot of them get sick. 

Sleep

Harper sleeps pretty good, so I really can't complain in this department. She is ready for bed every night at 8:30pm, sometimes earlier. She lets us know! Then she'll usually wake up at about 3:00am to eat and goes right back down. Sometimes she'll wake up again at 7:00am, but once she is fed she is back down for a couple more hours. She has pretty much had the same schedule most of her little life. And she is a champ at putting herself to sleep at night. I'm hoping this will continue. She has been all over the place in her crib at night, so hopefully that won't start to wake her up.

Naps are a whole different story...They are really random everyday. Sometimes I can get her to nap the same time as Camden, and sometimes she just doesn't want to go down. I am hoping to work on her nap schedule this next month, but at the same time I like that she can just go with the flow of things and nap when she needs it. 

Eating

Harper has been packing on the lbs lately. I for sure thought she'd be heavier than 14 lbs. This girl loves her food and usually eats every two hours. She recently up'ed her ounces to six from four. I find this helps her not have to eat every two hours :) All this yummy milk has chunked her right up!

New things and Milestones

Harper is a talker...this girl will jabber your ear off if you let her! She has also mastered the skill of rolling from her tummy to her back in the last two months. At first it scared her, but she doesn't mind it now. She is currently trying to roll from her back to her tummy and has managed a couple of times, but usually gets her arm stuck. She scooches everywhere! If you set her down in one direction, she'll turn herself completely around. I think crawling will be happening before Christmas, She smiles ALL.THE.TIME. and she loves loves loves her hands! We have to pry them out of her mouth and we even have to put scratch mittens on them when she is going to bed at night because if she is able to put her fingers in her mouth, she won't go to bed. 

She is now grabbing everything in site, especially hair (ouch) She holds on to her toys and has had a few slobber fests with Sophie the Giraffe. Harper blows bubbles, and sometimes when she is hungry she clicks her tongue. 

Harper pays very close attention to whats going on around her. She watches Camden's every move and knows when mom or dad leave the room. She watches Camden play while sitting in her bumbo, which she loves!

Harper, you are such a beautiful baby girl and such a blessing in our lives. Everyday brings something new and exciting with you. We love you so much!

Harper- 2 Months Old

Time is flying by so fast right now...I seriously can't believe this little beauty is two months old. She is constantly changing and doing new things. We love her more and more every single day!

{Height & Weight}

Harper had her two month wellness appointment this last week and she is a healthy little girl. She weighed 10lbs 10oz and is 23 inches long. I can't believe she put on four pounds in just two months! She is now back up to about average for her weight and she is pretty long, falling in about the 70th percentile. She does have a little head though, falling only in the 12th percentile.

Harper is currently wearing size one diapers. We switched her over at the beginning of the month because she's got herself a little pop belly and those newborns just weren't cutting it anymore. I am happy and sad to report that she is all grown out of her newborn clothes and is wearing all her 0-3 month clothes. She is growing like a weed, but now she has much more wardrobe options ;) dressing her every day is so much fun! 

{Health}

Harper has been pretty healthy this past month and we've managed to stay clear of sicknesses going around. We are so blessed to have a healthy little girl! She had a blocked tear duct when she was born and they said eventually it will fix itself. For the past couple of days she hasn't had any goobers and we haven't had to wipe it, so I am hoping we are over that.

{Sleep}

I must have jinxed myself from the past month or Harper is just starting to become more aware of all that's around her. Sleep started to get tough on her in our bedroom. She would squirm and make noises all night, so we decided to start transitioning her to her crib. I thought the first time would be tough on her because anytime I had laid her in there previously she has not enjoyed it very much. I made sure to swaddle her in her Aden and Anias wrap and she did great! Not every night has been fabulous, but there have been some five hour stretches. Some nights are a mystery for when she'll wake up, but it's usually around 3:00am and then again and 6:00am. I decided to move her bedtime to 9:30 from 10:30 and have tried to make that consistent. She is doing really well with it and pretty much falls asleep in my arms around that time.

I've also been trying to feed her prior to bedtime and then lay her in the crib while she is still kind of awake and she's been putting herself to sleep! We are so proud of her. I do wish she would start to sleep a little longer after 3:00 am, but I am very grateful for the sleep she does let me get. We will continue to work on our sleep training. So far, so good!

Our day schedule is still not established much, which I don't expect it to be right now. I haven't really tried to even set a day schedule, but maybe this next month I'll try to get her and Camden to lay down at the same time, so I can have some mom time :) Who knows maybe I'll take a nap myself. 

{Eating}

This past month around seven weeks I had some health issues with my thyroid and ended up at the ER, long story short I was advised to not breastfeed while my body got back to normal because of my hormone levels. During that week I lost seven pounds because of my thyroid and of course this effected my milk supply and I started to dry up. Between that and stress it was gone just like that. I am at least grateful I got to breastfeed for two months and I have promised myself that I am not going to get depressed about it, I tried, it worked, and I was able to breastfeed for the most important months for Harper's growth. With that said she is solely on formula now and has been doing great. She eats about 2-3 ounces every two- three hours. She doesn't spit up much and her tummy seems to be handling it pretty well for the most part. 

A couple of things we have learned this month about our little girl...she likes tummy time most of the time. She is smiling more and more...usually after she has been fed. She loves to be outdoors. She can roll from her stomach to her back and HATES it. When she is hungry she'll let you know with a high pitched cry that sounds just like a cat. She doesn't like to get changed and she prefers to be swaddled at night with her little hands tucked up right under her chin. She's got big blue eyes just like her brother and everyone comments on them and she's finally getting rolls. She loves to watch Camden and though he isn't too sure about her yet, I know they are going to be the best of friends :)

Harper, you bring so much love and happiness into our home. We love you!