Don't ask me what this funk is that I am stuck in this week...ugh! Ever since Monday I feel like I have been battling myself. Forcing myself to get up and go again. It's exhausting...this emotional roller coaster that I feel like I am never going to get off of. But in all reality I know I will. I am just trying to acknowledge how I am feeling and move on with the day...which is why I am here.
I've been exhausted this week...which has somewhat made me upset because I've been fine in this category since starting medication five weeks ago. When I get upset my anxiety is triggered and it's like the whole cycle starts over again. Tuesday night Camden was up coughing all night and crying. I felt so bad for him and it made me cry. All I wanted to do was make him feel better. So naturally we didn't get a lot of sleep. I knew the next morning was going to rough. Boy was I right! I feel like I jumped five steps back in this ppd and ppa. My anxiety was crazy and I was beyond exhausted to the point I probably could have cried all day long. I have to remind myself that most moms feel a "normal" amount of anxiety when their child is sick and they worry about them. I was so upset with myself that I couldn't hold it together to take care of two kids...so then I started to focus on all the negative instead of the fact that I was trying my best.
I got Camden in the tub and ended up getting him out early because his temperature shot up to 104 and the poor child was really not responding to me. I began freaking out! Should I take him to the hospital? Every time I would try to move him he would scream, and then Harper decided to wake up from her nap and started screaming for mom too. And that is when I lost it! I called my mother in law bawling my eyes out because I was so overwhelmed...The same overwhelmed feeling that started this whole crazy roller coaster ride a month ago. She came over to help and shortly after my mom showed up as well. Camden's fever started to go down. We finally got him down for a nap and Harper and I took a nap as well.
I felt sick all night...and irritable, and annoyed, and really not wanting to do anything. I went to bed when the kids went down. We read our scriptures and said our prayers and I was out. So here we are today...I didn't want to get up this morning. I haven't had much motivations this week and it's been so tough on me because just when I felt like things were getting better, I feel like they are getting worse again.
It's the roller coaster ride of ppd and ppa. It's the ups and downs. And as much as I hate them I don't really have a choice, but to ride it out. The fact that I got up with Camden Tuesday night and was able to attend to him means I am a good mom. The fact that I wanted to hold him and cry for him means I am a good mom. It was hard to ask for help yesterday, but I did it and it made me feel so much better. I really do have the best support system and that is something that I feel so grateful for. I couldn't get through this alone, I really couldn't.
Today will get better, tomorrow will be better. We will be celebrating the wedding of my Brother in Law Josh and his soon to be wife Haley.
Here's to better days!!
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