Feeling Thankful

Where to begin...I haven't done an update for about two weeks and desperately felt like I needed to. I frequently will glance back at my blog and read old posts and I simply couldn't stand reading my last post because I have made strides since then...big ones I feel like.

My post partum Anxiety was OUT OF CONTROL two weeks ago when I posted. I say out of control because before that week it was manageable. I could talk myself through it. Settle myself down. This week it was like I had absolutely no control over it...almost like it was it's own monster. Ugh...it was a terrible feeling. We had my Brother-in-laws wedding and after experiencing a full on anxiety attack during the ceremony, I decided to phone my doctor. Now here is the hard thing with these meds they put you on for post partum depression and anxiety...some work and some don't, and some make everything ten times worse. Well, the second one they put me on was suppose to be more mild, as in the side effects I would experience. It however can heighten anxiety and boy was it doing just that. My doctor and I decided after being on this mediation for five weeks, I had given it a fair try and it was time to switch (yet again). Much to my surprise he took me off the anti-depressant and stuck me solely on a medication just for anxiety. I was absolutely terrified at first. I questioned, but what if I am depressed and now I am not going to be on anything for that.

I have had to do a lot of reflecting this past week. I have been trying to figure out how and when all this happened. I have asked myself a million times if this really all began because I was depressed. I don't feel like it started because of that...it started because I have anxiety, which then caused me to feel sad, hopeless, overwhelmed, etc. That's what anxiety does to you. I am learning that. I do feel scared about the what if's, but the medication they have me on now has helped a ton. The counseling I have received has helped a ton and I have also been going to a support group with a friend who is dealing with the same thing.

I have slowly been weaning off the anti-depressant. I noticed an immediate change when I stopped taking that everyday. My anxiety was cut in half. and everyday seems to be getting better. I really hope it will continue. I am hopeful.

It is amazing how much I have learned about myself these past 7 weeks. I have learned you never know what someone else is going through, so don't judge them. I have been so guilty of being judgmental of others.

 I have learned that life can be simplified. Not every single minute of my day needs to be filled (I'm still working on this one). The dishes can wait, the laundry can wait. I now find myself asking if it's life or death. Does it need to be done this very minute? If not, then it's not worth the stress or anxiety.

I have learned to ask for help. (also still working on this one) I don't have to do everything on my own.

 I've learned it's okay to not be a perfect mom and on those days when I am about to lose it, I remind myself that I am not the only mom who feels like that some days. I'm normal.

I have learned that beating yourself up for not doing all the things that other moms are doing is the worst way to throw yourself right into a bad mood.

This experience has been a reality check for me. A refining lesson that needed to be learned. There are still moments of struggle obviously...but I am getting through them and that of itself is a HUGE accomplishment. Every mom has struggles and that is something I am trying to remember.

I am feeling so Thankful for the people my Heavenly Father has placed in my life. They are there for a reason. I have made a lot of improvements these last two weeks. I am proud of myself :)