Hard Days

I have been contemplating whether or not to write my feelings down lately. I think I am afraid that if I write my feelings down than everything becomes very real. That I might actually have a problem. That I might not be as perfect as so and so, or as good as a mom as I should be. I first want to start off by saying that My life isn't perfect, but I do know I am very blessed. Some day's I forget just how blessed I am because like many moms out there, you compare yourself to everyone and everything.

Somewhere along the way I got this idea that everything had to be perfect all the time. That my toddler couldn't leave the house in his pajamas, or that his hair always had to be done. I actually still feel this way today. I too was guilty of judging other moms. Like if I saw a child whose hair wasn't done, or if they weren't dressed for the day, I would assume that mom just didn't care and I vowed I would never let my kids look like that. It breaks my heart to even think that I could have judged someone like that. I have learned that you never know what someone else is going through. You never know if they got up that day and it took every single bit of strength for them to get out of bed, attend to their children, and run to the store to grab a few items.

Why I am writing about this? Because what I just described above is the exact way I have felt these past few weeks. Now, I am not writing about this to get sympathy. I am writing about this in hopes that if there is someone out there who is feeling this same way, they will know they are not alone.

I had a girl in my ward say to me the other day that she would have never guessed something was wrong with me because my life is so perfect and I'm always so happy. Although that was very sweet of her to say, I have often wondered that about other moms. Do they have struggles? Have they ever dealt with Post Partum Depression? Do they have hard days? Now days I feel like all I do is look at Facebook, Pinterest, and Instagram and think about the things I am not doing as a mom, or a wife. I have found myself being jealous and desiring what other's have without taking a step back and realizes what God has given me. Unfortunately I have been guilty of posting only the positive things in my life and that gives people a false perspective of how reality really is. There are hard days. There are moments of just wanting to throw in the towel. Or dreaming that you were laying on a beach, soaking in the sun like so and so.

When I had Harper, I felt like I was on cloud nine. I had this whole mommy of two thing down. And I would often ask myself why people made such a big deal about it. It was a piece of cake for me...or at least I thought. Maybe that was half of my problem. Because as soon as a wrench got thrown into the mix my whole world came tumbling down. Seven weeks post partum I began feeling sick and ended up in the ER because they thought I was having a Thyroid Storm do to thyroid issues that I have had since before Camden. We found out I was suffering from Post partum Thyroiditis. Soon after getting my levels back to normal I began to feel better. At that point I began loading things on to myself because I felt great. John and I opened an Etsy shop and things took off really quick. We were selling things like crazy and me thinking I was "super mom" was handling it all at home. I noticed my house chores began to come second to getting things done for our shop. I was getting frustrated when my kids would cry for my attention because I just HAD to get these things done. I was staying up until midnight just to get things done and walking around like a zombie the next days. My cup was getting full, but I kept pushing myself and pushing myself and adding more and more to my cup.

I pretty much remember the moment that cup overflowed...I couldn't even think straight. I went to bed early that night and the next day everything went haywire. I laid in bed, cried and cried and cried. I had no motivation to get up and attend my children. I felt overwhelmed, I felt hopeless like I was never going to be able to get out of bed. I felt numb, I felt like I didn't know myself. I knew something was wrong, but didn't know what. I thought it was my thyroid again. I just couldn't face the fact that someone who is so happy and has this love for life and love for my children would be experiencing Post Partum Depression. And couldn't people only get that like the first month or so after birth?...Wrong, it can happen up to a year after birth.

I was immediately started on a medication to help with this so called depression that I just could not get myself to believe I had. And sometimes right now I just fight with myself about it. I had a terrible reaction to the drugs and it made things worse. For days I couldn't watch my own kids. I ended up back in the ER because we didn't know what to do. I thought I was honestly going to have to be admitted to the hospital.

I am still struggling everyday. Most mornings are super challenging to get out of bed. But, once I make it over that hump, everything is cream :) I have to do a lot of reflecting with myself and recognize how I am feeling so I can help myself work through it. Without my kids I would be lacking all motivation because I know they need me. I KNOW THEY NEED ME. And I need them just as much. My faith has been wavered. This is a trial that I pray everyday I will make it through. Some days and some moments are easier than others. But you know what...I am better today than I was two weeks ago and right now I am hopeful that two weeks from now I will be better than I am today.