Feeling Thankful

Where to begin...I haven't done an update for about two weeks and desperately felt like I needed to. I frequently will glance back at my blog and read old posts and I simply couldn't stand reading my last post because I have made strides since then...big ones I feel like.

My post partum Anxiety was OUT OF CONTROL two weeks ago when I posted. I say out of control because before that week it was manageable. I could talk myself through it. Settle myself down. This week it was like I had absolutely no control over it...almost like it was it's own monster. Ugh...it was a terrible feeling. We had my Brother-in-laws wedding and after experiencing a full on anxiety attack during the ceremony, I decided to phone my doctor. Now here is the hard thing with these meds they put you on for post partum depression and anxiety...some work and some don't, and some make everything ten times worse. Well, the second one they put me on was suppose to be more mild, as in the side effects I would experience. It however can heighten anxiety and boy was it doing just that. My doctor and I decided after being on this mediation for five weeks, I had given it a fair try and it was time to switch (yet again). Much to my surprise he took me off the anti-depressant and stuck me solely on a medication just for anxiety. I was absolutely terrified at first. I questioned, but what if I am depressed and now I am not going to be on anything for that.

I have had to do a lot of reflecting this past week. I have been trying to figure out how and when all this happened. I have asked myself a million times if this really all began because I was depressed. I don't feel like it started because of that...it started because I have anxiety, which then caused me to feel sad, hopeless, overwhelmed, etc. That's what anxiety does to you. I am learning that. I do feel scared about the what if's, but the medication they have me on now has helped a ton. The counseling I have received has helped a ton and I have also been going to a support group with a friend who is dealing with the same thing.

I have slowly been weaning off the anti-depressant. I noticed an immediate change when I stopped taking that everyday. My anxiety was cut in half. and everyday seems to be getting better. I really hope it will continue. I am hopeful.

It is amazing how much I have learned about myself these past 7 weeks. I have learned you never know what someone else is going through, so don't judge them. I have been so guilty of being judgmental of others.

 I have learned that life can be simplified. Not every single minute of my day needs to be filled (I'm still working on this one). The dishes can wait, the laundry can wait. I now find myself asking if it's life or death. Does it need to be done this very minute? If not, then it's not worth the stress or anxiety.

I have learned to ask for help. (also still working on this one) I don't have to do everything on my own.

 I've learned it's okay to not be a perfect mom and on those days when I am about to lose it, I remind myself that I am not the only mom who feels like that some days. I'm normal.

I have learned that beating yourself up for not doing all the things that other moms are doing is the worst way to throw yourself right into a bad mood.

This experience has been a reality check for me. A refining lesson that needed to be learned. There are still moments of struggle obviously...but I am getting through them and that of itself is a HUGE accomplishment. Every mom has struggles and that is something I am trying to remember.

I am feeling so Thankful for the people my Heavenly Father has placed in my life. They are there for a reason. I have made a lot of improvements these last two weeks. I am proud of myself :)

One Step Forward, and Five Steps Back

Don't ask me what this funk is that I am stuck in this week...ugh! Ever since Monday I feel like I have been battling myself. Forcing myself to get up and go again. It's exhausting...this emotional roller coaster that I feel like I am never going to get off of. But in all reality I know I will. I am just trying to acknowledge how I am feeling and move on with the day...which is why I am here.

I've been exhausted this week...which has somewhat made me upset because I've been fine in this category since starting medication five weeks ago. When I get upset my anxiety is triggered and it's like the whole cycle starts over again. Tuesday night Camden was up coughing all night and crying. I felt so bad for him and it made me cry. All I wanted to do was make him feel better. So naturally we didn't get a lot of sleep. I knew the next morning was going to rough. Boy was I right! I feel like I jumped five steps back in this ppd and ppa. My anxiety was crazy and I was beyond exhausted to the point I probably could have cried all day long. I have to remind myself that most moms feel a "normal" amount of anxiety when their child is sick and they worry about them. I was so upset with myself that I couldn't hold it together to take care of two kids...so then I started to focus on all the negative instead of the fact that I was trying my best.

I got Camden in the tub and ended up getting him out early because his temperature shot up to 104 and the poor child was really not responding to me. I began freaking out! Should I take him to the hospital? Every time I would try to move him he would scream, and then Harper decided to wake up from her nap and started screaming for mom too. And that is when I lost it! I called my mother in law bawling my eyes out because I was so overwhelmed...The same overwhelmed feeling that started this whole crazy roller coaster ride a month ago. She came over to help and shortly after my mom showed up as well. Camden's fever started to go down. We finally got him down for a nap and Harper and I took a nap as well.

I felt sick all night...and irritable, and annoyed, and really not wanting to do anything. I went to bed when the kids went down. We read our scriptures and said our prayers and I was out. So here we are today...I didn't want to get up this morning. I haven't had much motivations this week and it's been so tough on me because just when I felt like things were getting better, I feel like they are getting worse again.

It's the roller coaster ride of ppd and ppa. It's the ups and downs. And as much as I hate them I don't really have a choice, but to ride it out. The fact that I got up with Camden Tuesday night and was able to attend to him means I am a good mom. The fact that I wanted to hold him and cry for him means I am a good mom. It was hard to ask for help yesterday, but I did it and it made me feel so much better. I really do have the best support system and that is something that I feel so grateful for. I couldn't get through this alone, I really couldn't.

Today will get better, tomorrow will be better. We will be celebrating the wedding of my Brother in Law Josh and his soon to be wife Haley.

Here's to better days!!

"Most' Days

Today I am grateful for so many things. Things that before I experienced what ppd feels like, I would have taken for granted. Like most morning it's tough to get out of bed, but most mornings are getting easier. Most days are getting easier. Most moments I feel anxiety or I feel depressed or sad about something, are getting easier to get through. I say "most" because there are hard days in between those "most" days. The key is to get through that tough day. Pat myself on the back. And realize that the next day is a brand.new.day.

I can totally say all of this when I am feeling good or having a good day and maybe that's why I feel like I need to write (type) it out. So on those days when I want to cry, when I want to give up, when I think it's just too hard, I will be able to work my way through it.

It has taken me sometime to get to this point where I am right now. I am in my fourth week from when I started medicaton. Most medications take 3- 6 weeks until you can start to feel the effects of it. When I first heard this fact, I wanted to give up right then and there. Oh my goodness nothing seemed more impossible to me. But guess what...here we are! "Most days" are getting better and better.

I know my Heavenly Father has placed people in my life to help me get through this. I'm not alone.

Harper {5} Months Old

Here is our little Harper at {5} Months old. Since I recently did an update on our little girl and {most} things are still the same, I will wait to do an update on her at {6} months. 

I decided to take a picture of Harper in her Halloween costume since it was her {5} month birthday on October 31st! And I'd say she sure is a cute little mouse. 

I might start placing bets whether or not she'll be crawling by Christmas! This little girl is on the move, rolling every which way and scootching herself backwards to get where she wants to go. She has been attempting to also pull those little knees up. Once this little girl figures it out, I know she'll be taking off in now time :)

This little girl has a huge personality and most days I get looks like the picture above. Keep on smiling Harper. We love you so much!!