Inspiration

Last night while feeding Harper,  I decided to flip through my phone and look at old pictures.  They always seem to bring me a lot of happiness and give me hope that I will be "normal" again. I have a life beyond this depression and anxiety. I have so many blessing and I know that, I just need to get my mind back to "normal". So I decided to close my eyes and scroll down on my phone to see what picture would show up. And here is what did...

I posted this quote on Instagram for my dear niece a couple of months ago because she had recently lost a best friend to a terrible accident.  Little did I know that this quote would be for me as well a couple of months later. I know I saw this quote for the very reason that heavenly father knew I needed it. 

I had the great opportunity of going to dinner with a childhood friend last night. I grew up hanging out with her sister and for the last ten years have followed eachother on Instagram.  She recently reached out to me because she too has been going through similar ppst Partum depression.  Our little girls are just a month apart. I needed this talk with her and dinner more than she'll ever understand.  It gave me the hope I needed to push myself a little more and that I am doing great if I am taking baby steps everyday.  She also told me something that really stuck with me last night and really hit home when I read this quote...

When you're going through something like this all you want to do is have life be back the way it was before. To live your life the way you did before. You just want everything to be back to normal. I have felt this too until she made a point...move forward.... Become a better person from this.  Have more compassion,  empathy, and understanding towards people. She said before all this happened she was oblivious to any of this going on around her because like everyone else, it's hard to understand if you haven't been there. She made me realize that I don't want to go back to having the life I did before.  I want to go back to a new, more understanding,  more empathetic,  stronger Randi.  

This is what I have to get through to rebuild my life the way my heavenly father wants me to. It's not the easiest way, but I know I can do it with the help of wonderful friends, family, my children, and my heavenly father.  

Hard Days

I have been contemplating whether or not to write my feelings down lately. I think I am afraid that if I write my feelings down than everything becomes very real. That I might actually have a problem. That I might not be as perfect as so and so, or as good as a mom as I should be. I first want to start off by saying that My life isn't perfect, but I do know I am very blessed. Some day's I forget just how blessed I am because like many moms out there, you compare yourself to everyone and everything.

Somewhere along the way I got this idea that everything had to be perfect all the time. That my toddler couldn't leave the house in his pajamas, or that his hair always had to be done. I actually still feel this way today. I too was guilty of judging other moms. Like if I saw a child whose hair wasn't done, or if they weren't dressed for the day, I would assume that mom just didn't care and I vowed I would never let my kids look like that. It breaks my heart to even think that I could have judged someone like that. I have learned that you never know what someone else is going through. You never know if they got up that day and it took every single bit of strength for them to get out of bed, attend to their children, and run to the store to grab a few items.

Why I am writing about this? Because what I just described above is the exact way I have felt these past few weeks. Now, I am not writing about this to get sympathy. I am writing about this in hopes that if there is someone out there who is feeling this same way, they will know they are not alone.

I had a girl in my ward say to me the other day that she would have never guessed something was wrong with me because my life is so perfect and I'm always so happy. Although that was very sweet of her to say, I have often wondered that about other moms. Do they have struggles? Have they ever dealt with Post Partum Depression? Do they have hard days? Now days I feel like all I do is look at Facebook, Pinterest, and Instagram and think about the things I am not doing as a mom, or a wife. I have found myself being jealous and desiring what other's have without taking a step back and realizes what God has given me. Unfortunately I have been guilty of posting only the positive things in my life and that gives people a false perspective of how reality really is. There are hard days. There are moments of just wanting to throw in the towel. Or dreaming that you were laying on a beach, soaking in the sun like so and so.

When I had Harper, I felt like I was on cloud nine. I had this whole mommy of two thing down. And I would often ask myself why people made such a big deal about it. It was a piece of cake for me...or at least I thought. Maybe that was half of my problem. Because as soon as a wrench got thrown into the mix my whole world came tumbling down. Seven weeks post partum I began feeling sick and ended up in the ER because they thought I was having a Thyroid Storm do to thyroid issues that I have had since before Camden. We found out I was suffering from Post partum Thyroiditis. Soon after getting my levels back to normal I began to feel better. At that point I began loading things on to myself because I felt great. John and I opened an Etsy shop and things took off really quick. We were selling things like crazy and me thinking I was "super mom" was handling it all at home. I noticed my house chores began to come second to getting things done for our shop. I was getting frustrated when my kids would cry for my attention because I just HAD to get these things done. I was staying up until midnight just to get things done and walking around like a zombie the next days. My cup was getting full, but I kept pushing myself and pushing myself and adding more and more to my cup.

I pretty much remember the moment that cup overflowed...I couldn't even think straight. I went to bed early that night and the next day everything went haywire. I laid in bed, cried and cried and cried. I had no motivation to get up and attend my children. I felt overwhelmed, I felt hopeless like I was never going to be able to get out of bed. I felt numb, I felt like I didn't know myself. I knew something was wrong, but didn't know what. I thought it was my thyroid again. I just couldn't face the fact that someone who is so happy and has this love for life and love for my children would be experiencing Post Partum Depression. And couldn't people only get that like the first month or so after birth?...Wrong, it can happen up to a year after birth.

I was immediately started on a medication to help with this so called depression that I just could not get myself to believe I had. And sometimes right now I just fight with myself about it. I had a terrible reaction to the drugs and it made things worse. For days I couldn't watch my own kids. I ended up back in the ER because we didn't know what to do. I thought I was honestly going to have to be admitted to the hospital.

I am still struggling everyday. Most mornings are super challenging to get out of bed. But, once I make it over that hump, everything is cream :) I have to do a lot of reflecting with myself and recognize how I am feeling so I can help myself work through it. Without my kids I would be lacking all motivation because I know they need me. I KNOW THEY NEED ME. And I need them just as much. My faith has been wavered. This is a trial that I pray everyday I will make it through. Some days and some moments are easier than others. But you know what...I am better today than I was two weeks ago and right now I am hopeful that two weeks from now I will be better than I am today.

Harper 3 & 4 Months

Time has slipped away from us again, but our baby girl keeps growing and learning new things every day. I wish time would just stand still. So that I could stop and enjoy these little moments with Harper that I know come and go so quickly. Her little personality is the cutest thing I have ever seen. Her smile is one that could light up any gloomy day. People are always commenting on how big and beautiful her smile is. All you have to do is talk to her and she lights up. She does have her moments of drama (like most girls), but nothing a good cuddle can't fix. Have I mentioned how much this little girl loves her dad?! She could stare (and smile) at him all day long. It melts my heart...

Here is little Harper at {3} Months

Height & Weight

We had Harper's {4} Month appointment this week. We are a little late considering she'll be 5 months on Halloween. But at 4 ( and a half) months she weighs 14.33 lbs. and is a whopping 26 inches long! She falls about right in the middle of the scale for her weight, but height she is in the 89th percentile. Baby girl still has a small head, just like her brother did. Her doctor said she is healthy and that makes us so happy. 

 She is currently wearing 3-6 months clothes, but man oh man those leggings are getting snug and most of her tops are getting two short. Also, because she is so long, most of her footie pajama's are getting to small. I am sure we'll be moving up to bigger sizes soon enough. We also moved her up to a size 2 in diapers. There is nothing more cute than her double chin and thigh rolls!! 

Health

I am happy to report that Little Harper has not been sick at all these last two months! I am hoping we can keep this trend going. Especially with the sick season ahead of us. It's hard when you have two kids. If one gets sick, usually bot of them get sick. 

Sleep

Harper sleeps pretty good, so I really can't complain in this department. She is ready for bed every night at 8:30pm, sometimes earlier. She lets us know! Then she'll usually wake up at about 3:00am to eat and goes right back down. Sometimes she'll wake up again at 7:00am, but once she is fed she is back down for a couple more hours. She has pretty much had the same schedule most of her little life. And she is a champ at putting herself to sleep at night. I'm hoping this will continue. She has been all over the place in her crib at night, so hopefully that won't start to wake her up.

Naps are a whole different story...They are really random everyday. Sometimes I can get her to nap the same time as Camden, and sometimes she just doesn't want to go down. I am hoping to work on her nap schedule this next month, but at the same time I like that she can just go with the flow of things and nap when she needs it. 

Eating

Harper has been packing on the lbs lately. I for sure thought she'd be heavier than 14 lbs. This girl loves her food and usually eats every two hours. She recently up'ed her ounces to six from four. I find this helps her not have to eat every two hours :) All this yummy milk has chunked her right up!

New things and Milestones

Harper is a talker...this girl will jabber your ear off if you let her! She has also mastered the skill of rolling from her tummy to her back in the last two months. At first it scared her, but she doesn't mind it now. She is currently trying to roll from her back to her tummy and has managed a couple of times, but usually gets her arm stuck. She scooches everywhere! If you set her down in one direction, she'll turn herself completely around. I think crawling will be happening before Christmas, She smiles ALL.THE.TIME. and she loves loves loves her hands! We have to pry them out of her mouth and we even have to put scratch mittens on them when she is going to bed at night because if she is able to put her fingers in her mouth, she won't go to bed. 

She is now grabbing everything in site, especially hair (ouch) She holds on to her toys and has had a few slobber fests with Sophie the Giraffe. Harper blows bubbles, and sometimes when she is hungry she clicks her tongue. 

Harper pays very close attention to whats going on around her. She watches Camden's every move and knows when mom or dad leave the room. She watches Camden play while sitting in her bumbo, which she loves!

Harper, you are such a beautiful baby girl and such a blessing in our lives. Everyday brings something new and exciting with you. We love you so much!