Feeling Thankful

Where to begin...I haven't done an update for about two weeks and desperately felt like I needed to. I frequently will glance back at my blog and read old posts and I simply couldn't stand reading my last post because I have made strides since then...big ones I feel like.

My post partum Anxiety was OUT OF CONTROL two weeks ago when I posted. I say out of control because before that week it was manageable. I could talk myself through it. Settle myself down. This week it was like I had absolutely no control over it...almost like it was it's own monster. Ugh...it was a terrible feeling. We had my Brother-in-laws wedding and after experiencing a full on anxiety attack during the ceremony, I decided to phone my doctor. Now here is the hard thing with these meds they put you on for post partum depression and anxiety...some work and some don't, and some make everything ten times worse. Well, the second one they put me on was suppose to be more mild, as in the side effects I would experience. It however can heighten anxiety and boy was it doing just that. My doctor and I decided after being on this mediation for five weeks, I had given it a fair try and it was time to switch (yet again). Much to my surprise he took me off the anti-depressant and stuck me solely on a medication just for anxiety. I was absolutely terrified at first. I questioned, but what if I am depressed and now I am not going to be on anything for that.

I have had to do a lot of reflecting this past week. I have been trying to figure out how and when all this happened. I have asked myself a million times if this really all began because I was depressed. I don't feel like it started because of that...it started because I have anxiety, which then caused me to feel sad, hopeless, overwhelmed, etc. That's what anxiety does to you. I am learning that. I do feel scared about the what if's, but the medication they have me on now has helped a ton. The counseling I have received has helped a ton and I have also been going to a support group with a friend who is dealing with the same thing.

I have slowly been weaning off the anti-depressant. I noticed an immediate change when I stopped taking that everyday. My anxiety was cut in half. and everyday seems to be getting better. I really hope it will continue. I am hopeful.

It is amazing how much I have learned about myself these past 7 weeks. I have learned you never know what someone else is going through, so don't judge them. I have been so guilty of being judgmental of others.

 I have learned that life can be simplified. Not every single minute of my day needs to be filled (I'm still working on this one). The dishes can wait, the laundry can wait. I now find myself asking if it's life or death. Does it need to be done this very minute? If not, then it's not worth the stress or anxiety.

I have learned to ask for help. (also still working on this one) I don't have to do everything on my own.

 I've learned it's okay to not be a perfect mom and on those days when I am about to lose it, I remind myself that I am not the only mom who feels like that some days. I'm normal.

I have learned that beating yourself up for not doing all the things that other moms are doing is the worst way to throw yourself right into a bad mood.

This experience has been a reality check for me. A refining lesson that needed to be learned. There are still moments of struggle obviously...but I am getting through them and that of itself is a HUGE accomplishment. Every mom has struggles and that is something I am trying to remember.

I am feeling so Thankful for the people my Heavenly Father has placed in my life. They are there for a reason. I have made a lot of improvements these last two weeks. I am proud of myself :)

One Step Forward, and Five Steps Back

Don't ask me what this funk is that I am stuck in this week...ugh! Ever since Monday I feel like I have been battling myself. Forcing myself to get up and go again. It's exhausting...this emotional roller coaster that I feel like I am never going to get off of. But in all reality I know I will. I am just trying to acknowledge how I am feeling and move on with the day...which is why I am here.

I've been exhausted this week...which has somewhat made me upset because I've been fine in this category since starting medication five weeks ago. When I get upset my anxiety is triggered and it's like the whole cycle starts over again. Tuesday night Camden was up coughing all night and crying. I felt so bad for him and it made me cry. All I wanted to do was make him feel better. So naturally we didn't get a lot of sleep. I knew the next morning was going to rough. Boy was I right! I feel like I jumped five steps back in this ppd and ppa. My anxiety was crazy and I was beyond exhausted to the point I probably could have cried all day long. I have to remind myself that most moms feel a "normal" amount of anxiety when their child is sick and they worry about them. I was so upset with myself that I couldn't hold it together to take care of two kids...so then I started to focus on all the negative instead of the fact that I was trying my best.

I got Camden in the tub and ended up getting him out early because his temperature shot up to 104 and the poor child was really not responding to me. I began freaking out! Should I take him to the hospital? Every time I would try to move him he would scream, and then Harper decided to wake up from her nap and started screaming for mom too. And that is when I lost it! I called my mother in law bawling my eyes out because I was so overwhelmed...The same overwhelmed feeling that started this whole crazy roller coaster ride a month ago. She came over to help and shortly after my mom showed up as well. Camden's fever started to go down. We finally got him down for a nap and Harper and I took a nap as well.

I felt sick all night...and irritable, and annoyed, and really not wanting to do anything. I went to bed when the kids went down. We read our scriptures and said our prayers and I was out. So here we are today...I didn't want to get up this morning. I haven't had much motivations this week and it's been so tough on me because just when I felt like things were getting better, I feel like they are getting worse again.

It's the roller coaster ride of ppd and ppa. It's the ups and downs. And as much as I hate them I don't really have a choice, but to ride it out. The fact that I got up with Camden Tuesday night and was able to attend to him means I am a good mom. The fact that I wanted to hold him and cry for him means I am a good mom. It was hard to ask for help yesterday, but I did it and it made me feel so much better. I really do have the best support system and that is something that I feel so grateful for. I couldn't get through this alone, I really couldn't.

Today will get better, tomorrow will be better. We will be celebrating the wedding of my Brother in Law Josh and his soon to be wife Haley.

Here's to better days!!

"Most' Days

Today I am grateful for so many things. Things that before I experienced what ppd feels like, I would have taken for granted. Like most morning it's tough to get out of bed, but most mornings are getting easier. Most days are getting easier. Most moments I feel anxiety or I feel depressed or sad about something, are getting easier to get through. I say "most" because there are hard days in between those "most" days. The key is to get through that tough day. Pat myself on the back. And realize that the next day is a brand.new.day.

I can totally say all of this when I am feeling good or having a good day and maybe that's why I feel like I need to write (type) it out. So on those days when I want to cry, when I want to give up, when I think it's just too hard, I will be able to work my way through it.

It has taken me sometime to get to this point where I am right now. I am in my fourth week from when I started medicaton. Most medications take 3- 6 weeks until you can start to feel the effects of it. When I first heard this fact, I wanted to give up right then and there. Oh my goodness nothing seemed more impossible to me. But guess what...here we are! "Most days" are getting better and better.

I know my Heavenly Father has placed people in my life to help me get through this. I'm not alone.

Harper {5} Months Old

Here is our little Harper at {5} Months old. Since I recently did an update on our little girl and {most} things are still the same, I will wait to do an update on her at {6} months. 

I decided to take a picture of Harper in her Halloween costume since it was her {5} month birthday on October 31st! And I'd say she sure is a cute little mouse. 

I might start placing bets whether or not she'll be crawling by Christmas! This little girl is on the move, rolling every which way and scootching herself backwards to get where she wants to go. She has been attempting to also pull those little knees up. Once this little girl figures it out, I know she'll be taking off in now time :)

This little girl has a huge personality and most days I get looks like the picture above. Keep on smiling Harper. We love you so much!!

Inspiration

Last night while feeding Harper,  I decided to flip through my phone and look at old pictures.  They always seem to bring me a lot of happiness and give me hope that I will be "normal" again. I have a life beyond this depression and anxiety. I have so many blessing and I know that, I just need to get my mind back to "normal". So I decided to close my eyes and scroll down on my phone to see what picture would show up. And here is what did...

I posted this quote on Instagram for my dear niece a couple of months ago because she had recently lost a best friend to a terrible accident.  Little did I know that this quote would be for me as well a couple of months later. I know I saw this quote for the very reason that heavenly father knew I needed it. 

I had the great opportunity of going to dinner with a childhood friend last night. I grew up hanging out with her sister and for the last ten years have followed eachother on Instagram.  She recently reached out to me because she too has been going through similar ppst Partum depression.  Our little girls are just a month apart. I needed this talk with her and dinner more than she'll ever understand.  It gave me the hope I needed to push myself a little more and that I am doing great if I am taking baby steps everyday.  She also told me something that really stuck with me last night and really hit home when I read this quote...

When you're going through something like this all you want to do is have life be back the way it was before. To live your life the way you did before. You just want everything to be back to normal. I have felt this too until she made a point...move forward.... Become a better person from this.  Have more compassion,  empathy, and understanding towards people. She said before all this happened she was oblivious to any of this going on around her because like everyone else, it's hard to understand if you haven't been there. She made me realize that I don't want to go back to having the life I did before.  I want to go back to a new, more understanding,  more empathetic,  stronger Randi.  

This is what I have to get through to rebuild my life the way my heavenly father wants me to. It's not the easiest way, but I know I can do it with the help of wonderful friends, family, my children, and my heavenly father.  

Hard Days

I have been contemplating whether or not to write my feelings down lately. I think I am afraid that if I write my feelings down than everything becomes very real. That I might actually have a problem. That I might not be as perfect as so and so, or as good as a mom as I should be. I first want to start off by saying that My life isn't perfect, but I do know I am very blessed. Some day's I forget just how blessed I am because like many moms out there, you compare yourself to everyone and everything.

Somewhere along the way I got this idea that everything had to be perfect all the time. That my toddler couldn't leave the house in his pajamas, or that his hair always had to be done. I actually still feel this way today. I too was guilty of judging other moms. Like if I saw a child whose hair wasn't done, or if they weren't dressed for the day, I would assume that mom just didn't care and I vowed I would never let my kids look like that. It breaks my heart to even think that I could have judged someone like that. I have learned that you never know what someone else is going through. You never know if they got up that day and it took every single bit of strength for them to get out of bed, attend to their children, and run to the store to grab a few items.

Why I am writing about this? Because what I just described above is the exact way I have felt these past few weeks. Now, I am not writing about this to get sympathy. I am writing about this in hopes that if there is someone out there who is feeling this same way, they will know they are not alone.

I had a girl in my ward say to me the other day that she would have never guessed something was wrong with me because my life is so perfect and I'm always so happy. Although that was very sweet of her to say, I have often wondered that about other moms. Do they have struggles? Have they ever dealt with Post Partum Depression? Do they have hard days? Now days I feel like all I do is look at Facebook, Pinterest, and Instagram and think about the things I am not doing as a mom, or a wife. I have found myself being jealous and desiring what other's have without taking a step back and realizes what God has given me. Unfortunately I have been guilty of posting only the positive things in my life and that gives people a false perspective of how reality really is. There are hard days. There are moments of just wanting to throw in the towel. Or dreaming that you were laying on a beach, soaking in the sun like so and so.

When I had Harper, I felt like I was on cloud nine. I had this whole mommy of two thing down. And I would often ask myself why people made such a big deal about it. It was a piece of cake for me...or at least I thought. Maybe that was half of my problem. Because as soon as a wrench got thrown into the mix my whole world came tumbling down. Seven weeks post partum I began feeling sick and ended up in the ER because they thought I was having a Thyroid Storm do to thyroid issues that I have had since before Camden. We found out I was suffering from Post partum Thyroiditis. Soon after getting my levels back to normal I began to feel better. At that point I began loading things on to myself because I felt great. John and I opened an Etsy shop and things took off really quick. We were selling things like crazy and me thinking I was "super mom" was handling it all at home. I noticed my house chores began to come second to getting things done for our shop. I was getting frustrated when my kids would cry for my attention because I just HAD to get these things done. I was staying up until midnight just to get things done and walking around like a zombie the next days. My cup was getting full, but I kept pushing myself and pushing myself and adding more and more to my cup.

I pretty much remember the moment that cup overflowed...I couldn't even think straight. I went to bed early that night and the next day everything went haywire. I laid in bed, cried and cried and cried. I had no motivation to get up and attend my children. I felt overwhelmed, I felt hopeless like I was never going to be able to get out of bed. I felt numb, I felt like I didn't know myself. I knew something was wrong, but didn't know what. I thought it was my thyroid again. I just couldn't face the fact that someone who is so happy and has this love for life and love for my children would be experiencing Post Partum Depression. And couldn't people only get that like the first month or so after birth?...Wrong, it can happen up to a year after birth.

I was immediately started on a medication to help with this so called depression that I just could not get myself to believe I had. And sometimes right now I just fight with myself about it. I had a terrible reaction to the drugs and it made things worse. For days I couldn't watch my own kids. I ended up back in the ER because we didn't know what to do. I thought I was honestly going to have to be admitted to the hospital.

I am still struggling everyday. Most mornings are super challenging to get out of bed. But, once I make it over that hump, everything is cream :) I have to do a lot of reflecting with myself and recognize how I am feeling so I can help myself work through it. Without my kids I would be lacking all motivation because I know they need me. I KNOW THEY NEED ME. And I need them just as much. My faith has been wavered. This is a trial that I pray everyday I will make it through. Some days and some moments are easier than others. But you know what...I am better today than I was two weeks ago and right now I am hopeful that two weeks from now I will be better than I am today.

Harper 3 & 4 Months

Time has slipped away from us again, but our baby girl keeps growing and learning new things every day. I wish time would just stand still. So that I could stop and enjoy these little moments with Harper that I know come and go so quickly. Her little personality is the cutest thing I have ever seen. Her smile is one that could light up any gloomy day. People are always commenting on how big and beautiful her smile is. All you have to do is talk to her and she lights up. She does have her moments of drama (like most girls), but nothing a good cuddle can't fix. Have I mentioned how much this little girl loves her dad?! She could stare (and smile) at him all day long. It melts my heart...

Here is little Harper at {3} Months

Height & Weight

We had Harper's {4} Month appointment this week. We are a little late considering she'll be 5 months on Halloween. But at 4 ( and a half) months she weighs 14.33 lbs. and is a whopping 26 inches long! She falls about right in the middle of the scale for her weight, but height she is in the 89th percentile. Baby girl still has a small head, just like her brother did. Her doctor said she is healthy and that makes us so happy. 

 She is currently wearing 3-6 months clothes, but man oh man those leggings are getting snug and most of her tops are getting two short. Also, because she is so long, most of her footie pajama's are getting to small. I am sure we'll be moving up to bigger sizes soon enough. We also moved her up to a size 2 in diapers. There is nothing more cute than her double chin and thigh rolls!! 

Health

I am happy to report that Little Harper has not been sick at all these last two months! I am hoping we can keep this trend going. Especially with the sick season ahead of us. It's hard when you have two kids. If one gets sick, usually bot of them get sick. 

Sleep

Harper sleeps pretty good, so I really can't complain in this department. She is ready for bed every night at 8:30pm, sometimes earlier. She lets us know! Then she'll usually wake up at about 3:00am to eat and goes right back down. Sometimes she'll wake up again at 7:00am, but once she is fed she is back down for a couple more hours. She has pretty much had the same schedule most of her little life. And she is a champ at putting herself to sleep at night. I'm hoping this will continue. She has been all over the place in her crib at night, so hopefully that won't start to wake her up.

Naps are a whole different story...They are really random everyday. Sometimes I can get her to nap the same time as Camden, and sometimes she just doesn't want to go down. I am hoping to work on her nap schedule this next month, but at the same time I like that she can just go with the flow of things and nap when she needs it. 

Eating

Harper has been packing on the lbs lately. I for sure thought she'd be heavier than 14 lbs. This girl loves her food and usually eats every two hours. She recently up'ed her ounces to six from four. I find this helps her not have to eat every two hours :) All this yummy milk has chunked her right up!

New things and Milestones

Harper is a talker...this girl will jabber your ear off if you let her! She has also mastered the skill of rolling from her tummy to her back in the last two months. At first it scared her, but she doesn't mind it now. She is currently trying to roll from her back to her tummy and has managed a couple of times, but usually gets her arm stuck. She scooches everywhere! If you set her down in one direction, she'll turn herself completely around. I think crawling will be happening before Christmas, She smiles ALL.THE.TIME. and she loves loves loves her hands! We have to pry them out of her mouth and we even have to put scratch mittens on them when she is going to bed at night because if she is able to put her fingers in her mouth, she won't go to bed. 

She is now grabbing everything in site, especially hair (ouch) She holds on to her toys and has had a few slobber fests with Sophie the Giraffe. Harper blows bubbles, and sometimes when she is hungry she clicks her tongue. 

Harper pays very close attention to whats going on around her. She watches Camden's every move and knows when mom or dad leave the room. She watches Camden play while sitting in her bumbo, which she loves!

Harper, you are such a beautiful baby girl and such a blessing in our lives. Everyday brings something new and exciting with you. We love you so much!

Harper- 2 Months Old

Time is flying by so fast right now...I seriously can't believe this little beauty is two months old. She is constantly changing and doing new things. We love her more and more every single day!

{Height & Weight}

Harper had her two month wellness appointment this last week and she is a healthy little girl. She weighed 10lbs 10oz and is 23 inches long. I can't believe she put on four pounds in just two months! She is now back up to about average for her weight and she is pretty long, falling in about the 70th percentile. She does have a little head though, falling only in the 12th percentile.

Harper is currently wearing size one diapers. We switched her over at the beginning of the month because she's got herself a little pop belly and those newborns just weren't cutting it anymore. I am happy and sad to report that she is all grown out of her newborn clothes and is wearing all her 0-3 month clothes. She is growing like a weed, but now she has much more wardrobe options ;) dressing her every day is so much fun! 

{Health}

Harper has been pretty healthy this past month and we've managed to stay clear of sicknesses going around. We are so blessed to have a healthy little girl! She had a blocked tear duct when she was born and they said eventually it will fix itself. For the past couple of days she hasn't had any goobers and we haven't had to wipe it, so I am hoping we are over that.

{Sleep}

I must have jinxed myself from the past month or Harper is just starting to become more aware of all that's around her. Sleep started to get tough on her in our bedroom. She would squirm and make noises all night, so we decided to start transitioning her to her crib. I thought the first time would be tough on her because anytime I had laid her in there previously she has not enjoyed it very much. I made sure to swaddle her in her Aden and Anias wrap and she did great! Not every night has been fabulous, but there have been some five hour stretches. Some nights are a mystery for when she'll wake up, but it's usually around 3:00am and then again and 6:00am. I decided to move her bedtime to 9:30 from 10:30 and have tried to make that consistent. She is doing really well with it and pretty much falls asleep in my arms around that time.

I've also been trying to feed her prior to bedtime and then lay her in the crib while she is still kind of awake and she's been putting herself to sleep! We are so proud of her. I do wish she would start to sleep a little longer after 3:00 am, but I am very grateful for the sleep she does let me get. We will continue to work on our sleep training. So far, so good!

Our day schedule is still not established much, which I don't expect it to be right now. I haven't really tried to even set a day schedule, but maybe this next month I'll try to get her and Camden to lay down at the same time, so I can have some mom time :) Who knows maybe I'll take a nap myself. 

{Eating}

This past month around seven weeks I had some health issues with my thyroid and ended up at the ER, long story short I was advised to not breastfeed while my body got back to normal because of my hormone levels. During that week I lost seven pounds because of my thyroid and of course this effected my milk supply and I started to dry up. Between that and stress it was gone just like that. I am at least grateful I got to breastfeed for two months and I have promised myself that I am not going to get depressed about it, I tried, it worked, and I was able to breastfeed for the most important months for Harper's growth. With that said she is solely on formula now and has been doing great. She eats about 2-3 ounces every two- three hours. She doesn't spit up much and her tummy seems to be handling it pretty well for the most part. 

A couple of things we have learned this month about our little girl...she likes tummy time most of the time. She is smiling more and more...usually after she has been fed. She loves to be outdoors. She can roll from her stomach to her back and HATES it. When she is hungry she'll let you know with a high pitched cry that sounds just like a cat. She doesn't like to get changed and she prefers to be swaddled at night with her little hands tucked up right under her chin. She's got big blue eyes just like her brother and everyone comments on them and she's finally getting rolls. She loves to watch Camden and though he isn't too sure about her yet, I know they are going to be the best of friends :)

Harper, you bring so much love and happiness into our home. We love you!

Harper's {1} Month Update

Harper is {1} month old today! It's so hard to believe that this little girl has been here for {1} month already. Time has sure flown by, but at the same time I can't really remember life without her :) She fits right in to our little family and we feel so blessed to have her. 

{Height & Weight}

When Harper was born she weighed 6lbs. 11oz. Since she was born on a weekend we took her to see her pediatrician the next week and at four days old she had dropped to 6lbs. 4oz. Once my milk came in she was back up to 6lbs. 12oz at her two week appointment. She currently weighs 7lbs. 13oz. I was so happy to see that she had put on a whole pound, not even two weeks after she was last seen. I don't have an update on her height, but when she was born she was 20 inches long. I am guessing we have probably grown another inch in the last month because some of her footie pajama's actually fit now. She is currently wearing newborn diapers. I'm guessing we'll be in those for a couple more weeks. 

We ran into a dilemma when Harper was born...because Camden was such a bigger baby, I figured all my children would be this way. Well, we were wrong! I had basically only purchased her 0-3 month clothes and hardly any newborn size because of my previous experience with Camden. Harper didn't fit into her coming home outfit and I certainly didn't have much to fit her when she got home. While still in the hospital, I sent my parents to pick up a few newborn outfits and onsies. They have got us through this last month and though she is mostly still wearing newborn we have managed to put her in a few 0-3 month clothes. Most of them are still too big, but we make do :) I am hoping by August and September she'll fit into all of 0-3 month clothes so we can get some wear and tear out of all the adorable stuff I bought her for summer...Thank goodness we'll be visiting Disneyland in September and she can wear her summer clothes there too!

We can't wait for this little girl to get some rolls. She has been getting bigger by the day, even though she is still so tiny! 

{Health}

It's hard to avoid getting sick when everyone in your house has something...Harper ended catching a cold from Camden and John this past month. I was able to avoid it thank goodness, but I would have taken it over watching Harper suffer with a stuffy nose. She seemed to handle like a champ though and with a few nights of saline and the humidifier, she is doing much better!

Other than her little cold, Harper is as healthy as can be. I honestly feel blessed that I have had two healthy children that haven't had to go to NICU and haven't had any other health issues. I hope it will always stay that way.

{Sleep}

Harper likes her sleep. I don't know if I am just more familiar with taking care of a newborn the second time around, but ever since the day we brought her home she has at least slept three hours at a time and when she is done eating she falls right back to sleep. I know this may not seem like a lot of sleep for me, but if she wakes up to eat and goes right back down, then I can handle it. She has even had some five hour stretches. Harper is still rooming with us. I am not sure when we'll transition her to her room, but as of right now I am in no real hurry :) She is such a good baby and I am so glad she lets me have the rest I need to take care of her and her crazy brother. 

A typical sleeping schedule for Harper at night is we go to bed about 10:30 or 11:00pm. She'll wake up between 2:00- 3:00am to be changed and to eat. She goes back down and wakes up at about 6:00am to be changed and fed. Then she'll sleep until about 9:30 in the morning. Obviously there are nights and days that vary, but for the most part she's got herself a little routine at night. Something I didn't really know and it kinda stressed me out the first time around was babies don't really have an established day time schedule for a while. I now know this time around that trying to have a routine during the day is not necessary at this age and eventually that will come, besides she just sleeps most of the day anyway :) 

I try to make sure when I put Camden down for a nap that Harper is fed as well so we can all nap together.  Also, I try and keep her awake most of the time once John gets home from work, so we can all get a better nights rest and aren't walking zombies the next day. 

{Eating}

I am so happy to say that I have been able to exclusively breast feed Harper for the past month. I was so nervous with how unsuccessful I was the first time around. I had such a low milk supply and couldn't provide the amount that Camden needed, so we had to supplement with formula to keep up and then eventually my supply just stopped. There were other factors involved, like me not taking the time to eat a balanced meal, I didn't drink enough fluids, and the stress of being a brand new mom...which later on turned into post-pardon depression because I didn't feel adequate to be a mom because I couldn't breast feed. 

I decided this time that I was going to try and do it and if it didn't work then oh well. I was not going to stress. I was not going to make myself feel bad if it didn't work. Formula is just fine for babies...after all my Camden is just fine and is the healthiest little man. By taking this approach it took away a lot of the stress of it all. Harper attached great once we got home from the hospital. Because she was little she would only eat from one side and I always made sure to power pump after she ate. She is now eating like a champ and I have been able to freeze a crazy amount of milk. I don't know how long I'll be able to breastfeed, but I am grateful it has worked much better for me this pregnancy. 

We are still getting to know our little Harper and her sweet little personality. She has quite the cry when she wants something...and has herself a good set of lungs! She's going to be a firecracker...I can already tell. Some things that we have discovered that she loves is baths. She doesn't ever cry in the tub and really enjoys getting her hair washed! She is such a girl :) She also doesn't mind the car seat and really loves to be held. Harper also enjoys being outdoors in the fresh air. 

Some dislikes we have discovered with Harper is laying her in her crib...oh boy this is the complete opposite of her brother! Camden slept in his crib by four weeks. We'll be lucky if Harper ever wants to sleep in there. She doesn't really enjoy getting dressed or changed, but most babies don't. Harper also doesn't like having her hands tucked in a swaddle, she'd rather be able to have them up nice and snug by her face. 

Having two children has really been such a blessing. I was scared to death wondering what we got ourselves into having children so close in age, but honestly I would not have it any other way. Being a mom is the best job ever and I think because I was so use to the routine with Camden that adding another one to the mix really hasn't changed much. I am sure that with time things will get harder, like when Harper doesn't sleep as much during the day, or when Camden discovers crayons and all other sorts of messes he can make, or when Harper becomes Mobile and I am chasing two children everywhere, but really this is what I signed up for and I can honestly say it has been amazing. I am so glad that God has trusted me with these two. Now, if I can only find a quicker and better way to get out of the house without it taking three hours ;) 

Don't grow up too fast little Harper! Mom and dad are trying to take in all the little moments with you because we know from experience that they don't last very long. P.S.- mom's heart almost burst the other night when dad was singing " Oh darlin don't you ever grow up, stay this little." He loves you so much Harper. I think you already have him wrapped around your little fingers. 

Harper's Birth Story

When people tell you each child and each birth is different, they aren't kidding. I was set to be induced with Harper on June 8th. My doctor was leaving to go out of town the morning of May 31st, so we wanted to make sure I set an induction date when she got back. On Thursday, May 29th I went in for my 38 week appointment. I was dilated to a 3 and now about 90 percent effaced. Harper was sitting pretty low. My doctor decided to go ahead and strip my membranes in hopes that maybe that night I would go into labor on my own and she would be there to deliver. I went home after my appointment with absolutely no cramping. I was bummed! I really wanted this to work, but I was starting to lose hope. I kept telling myself to just be patient. The longer this baby cooked, the healthier (and more chunkier) she would be. Friday (May 30th) came around and Camden and I went about our normal business. I cleaned (because I was in full nesting mode), we ran errands, we played with toys, and read a few books.

I put Camden down for a late afternoon nap and decided to take I break myself. I was exhausted! I went to the bathroom and lost my mucus plug. I didn't want to get my hopes up that this could mean I would go into labor soon. But as the hour went by my contractions started to become pretty consistent. I timed them at about five minutes apart. I called the on call doctor and he proceeded to tell me that I was not in active labor and that if I came in most likely they would send me home. That's not exactly what a 38 week pregnant lady wants to hear. So, we went on with our night. John grilled up hamburgers, that literally I only ate 2 bites of because of the pain I was feeling. (later on I wish I would have ate more) The pain was mostly in my lower back and continued to get stronger as the night went on.

Around 10:30pm that evening I decided I really could not handle the pain anymore. At this point I decided that even if they sent me home I was going in to get checked. My mom came over to be with Camden and John and I headed to the hospital. They monitored me for four hours...and when they checked me at 3:00am I was still at a three...I was so frustrated! I was having contractions off the chart and very consistent, but wasn't progressing anymore. The nurses gave me the option to go home and wait it out or to go walk the hospital for an hour and then they would check me again. We chose to walk the hospital. We walked up and down stairs and the halls and finally about almost 4:00am I couldn't do it anymore. We headed back in, got hooked up to the monitor and they checked me...I FINALLY WAS A 4+ which meant I could be admitted. Then reality set in...we were going to have a baby that day. Harper was finally going to be here!

They admitted us and wheeled us down the delivery room. Once we were all settled in I received my epidural and thank goodness because the contractions were getting stronger and stronger and coming more often at this point. An hour or so passed and the on call doctor walked in to meet us, Dr. Hansen. I had actually met him the week prior on Memorial Day because I was cramping really bad and he had checked me to see if I dilated any further. My doctor of course was flying out of town that morning and would not be able to make it for the birth. We knew that would be what happened :), but we were optimistic that everything would go great with Dr. Hansen. He told us he had to run to Jordan Valley Hospital and that I needed to hold off for two hours :) He gave the nurses the order to start me on pitocin and he went ahead and broke my water. At this point I was dilated to a 5. I stayed there for the next hour or so, when they came and checked me again. At 8:30am I was now dilated to a 6.

I kept feeling my contractions on my left side pretty bad. They tried switching sides I was laying on, but said that possibly the epidural was taking more to my right side. The new anesthesiologist ( the previous one had gone home because his shift was over) came in and put a a higher dose in my IV to see if he could get my left side to numb up a bit. We found out later that he also put a dose of morphine in there, which was not relayed to John or I. The left side eventually went numb. I could still feel my left leg, but my right leg was history. I couldn't wiggle my toes or anything. I did not like that feeling at all.

I started to feel nauseous, which was a very familiar feeling. I felt this was with Camden, but knew that once everything was out of my system after birth, my body would adjust and I'd be fine. The anesiologist called in nausea medicine for my to take because he was worried that my spinal was going to come out and we wouldn't have enough time to administer another one. I felt okay about this because they were going to give my Zofran, which I had taken the first trimester of both pregnancies. I called the nurse to come take my barf bag (Yuck) and told her I was feeling a ton of pressure and wondered if she could check me again. We were all way surprised to hear that in only 45 minutes I had gone from a 6 to a 10! Harper was coming out with or without the doctor there! They called Dr. Hansen and he was on his way. For the next five minutes everyone rushed around preparing for Harper's birth, while I still was so so sick. Dr. Hansen showed up at 9:31am and Harper was born at 9:34am. I only pushed for three minutes! I pushed through one contraction, three times and there she was. They were guessing by the size of her head when she was crowning that she was a six pound baby. I didn't believe them! But sure enough when she came out, she was 6lbs. 11oz and 20 inches long. We held her, we cried, and I was able to do skin to skin with her.

There is nothing sweeter than to know your baby has made it safe and sound. Not that the worrying ever stops once they are hear, but it felt so good to finally see this cute girl and finally be able to hold her and love her. John watched her get weighed and cleaned up and kept saying "hi beautiful". It totally melted my heart and I know they're going to have one special father and daughter bond. I was in pure amazement that we had a baby that was so small. I for sure thought this pregnancy would be the same as the last and that I was having another 8 pound baby, but we sure were wrong!

Besides me still feeling pretty sick, Harper's birth was so easy! She came so quickly! I am so grateful the doctor was able to make it back in time. He did a fabulous Job, I mean after all he only had to be there for three minutes ;) Once they cleaned us all up, we started to get things ready to head to the recovery room. The nausea kept getting worse and worse at this point. We found out it was the morphine that was given to be by the anesthesiologist earlier that was causing it. I don't do well with strong drugs. I am a light weight and honestly the strongest thing I ever take at home is Tylenol. The nurse decided to call in another nausea medication. I was so sick and out of it at this point that I couldn't even answer for myself. They stuck a shot of Phenergan in my hip and off we went to recovery, where Camden and my parents waited for us. I kept telling John I didn't feel right and that if I started to talk funny or not look right to please tell the nurses. I could tell something was going on with my body and I didn't like the feeling.

Once we got into recovery we were able to see Camden and visit with him for a bit, but I was still feeling very sick and so my parents decided to take him home and come up later. I didn't want him to see me like that and wonder what was wrong with his mom. The next 30 minutes and really most of this day is somewhat of a blur. I remember breastfeeding Harper and next thing I knew I was throwing her into John's arms and telling him to get a doctor or nurse in the room immediately because I was dying.

It's hard to explain what the next 10 hours of my life was like...I also could probably write an novel about what happened next. The nurses ran in and my husband was scared to death wondering what was going on with me. I couldn't open my eyes, everything was black. Once I was able to see objects, everything was blurry. I needed to hold hands with people because if I didn't have a hold of something I felt like I was going to slip away and die. I felt like my throat was closing off, like I had no oxygen. My heart was pounding, I was shacking, and all I kept thinking was that my husband was going to be a single dad, I didn't get to say goodbye to Camden, and that Harper wouldn't know her mom. I wasn't ready to leave, this couldn't be my time to go, it just couldn't. I could hear everyone talking, but couldn't respond and actually know what I was saying. A nurse named Alisha was there. (tender mercy #1) I will never forget this wonderful lady. She talked to me, asked me questions, made me somewhat calm, and helped me get through one the scariest things I have ever gone through. She was an extra there that day and wasn't even supposed to be assigned to my room, but was because I needed help breastfeeding. They looked over my charts and discussed with John what medication had been given to me. John explained that first the morphine, which made me nauseous. So they gave me Zofran and Phenergan, The nurse immediately said I was having a severe reaction to the Phenergan and that they immediately needed to pump benedryl in me to counter act the medication. This had happened to her before ( Tender mercy #2) and effects about 5% of people who take it. She knew exactly what to do. At this point I was screaming, crying, and honestly did not know where I was. I didn't want anymore medication at this point. I felt like I was drugged up enough and that all anyone wanted to do was fill me up with nonsense drugs. Alisha reassured me that this would help ease the medication and help me get better. Once they gave me the benedryl I started to shack, which is what happens with Phenergan. I basically started to have mini seizures. My body finally started to settle down, but my mind was still not there. I was having panic attacked, anxiety set in, and worst of all hallucinations. They were so bad that I felt as if I was fighting Satan. He kept telling me I wasn't going to make it and that I should probably just give up. I would start crying and no one knew why because no one could obviously hear the stuff going on in my head. I had to tell myself that I was going to be okay, that I need to sing church songs in my head to help fight Satan. I randomly in the midst of all of this asked for a blessing (tender mercy #3) Alisha called a doctor who was working that day to come and give me a blessing with John. She had ran into him earlier that day and he said if she needed anything to let him know. It was within the next couple of hours that she was calling him to come up and give me a blessing (tender mercy #4) I cried the entire time I was receiving a blessing. Every single person in the room was. I don't remember hardly anything that was mentioned in the blessing that John gave me, but the words, "please give Randi the strength to get through this". (tender mercy #5) I needed those words. I knew that the Lord would help me get through this. All I wanted was to feel normal again, to be able to open my eyes, to be able to see my family, and to be able to hold and enjoy these moments with my new daughter. For the next eight or so hours of my life I went in and out of hallucinations, panic attacks, and anxiety. One minute I'd be fine and the next I was crying and screaming because "it" was coming back again. I so wish I could explain what "it" was, but I hope i never have to endure that again. That nurse Alisha stayed all day long and took care of me, she didn't leave my side. (tender mercy #6) The Lord new I needed her that day. I am convinced that is why she was called into work and why she was supposed to be assigned the girl in the room next me, but at the last minute was told she would be assigned to my room. I will never be able to fully explain this experience, or the closeness I felt with my Heavenly Father, but I know he was there by my side and I know that without him I would have not got through this experience as easily. By 8:00pm I was starting to feel somewhat normal, I was able to open my eyes and to have conversations with my family. John told me he was so scared. He cried, I cried and I of course joked that it was good to know he cared so much about me ;)

At this point my body was done, I was done. I was so tired from all the medication and stuff I had been through that day. I was going on 36 hours with no sleep and so was John. He went home and got some rest and came back at midnight. My mom came up while he was gone and loved on Harper while I tried to get some rest. I was still feeling scared to be alone at that point. but that too started to wear off. I got to snuggle with my baby and feel normal again during the night (tender mercy #7) I had never felt more blessed to be back to myself and to sit with John and Harper in that room and know that I was going to be okay.

Sleep that night was okay. I was so tired that my body had a hard time shutting down. But the next morning I was up and feeling 100 million times better. I got in the shower, cleaned up, visited with all the doctors, and we decided since Harper and myself were doing okay that we would go ahead and go home. I wanted to be out of that hospital and especially that room. I wanted to sleep in my own bed that night.

Since we came home on June 1st, We have been adjusting to our new life of being a family of four. Camden has taken a little longer to adjust then John and I ;) which was totally expected. We love our little Harper and are so grateful for her sweet sweet spirit in our home. I have joked that I was given such an easy birth with her because what happened after was sure an adventure! I am grateful for these trials and hardships as silly as it sounds. It sure strengthened my testimony that day. I know the Lord loves me and cares for me. I guess I needed a reassurance of that :)

Five days after returning home, I ran to Harmon's to get a few items, while John stayed home with Harper and Camden. When I was getting ready to head to the check out, I had a lady tap me on the shoulder and say I know you, where do I know you from? I turned around and my eyes immediately began to fill with tears. It was Alisha. (tender mercy #8) She didn't fully recognize me because my hair was done and I had make-up on :) I told her I was the crazy one she took care of at the hospital. She said well, I get a lot of crazies ha ha. I told her I was the one who had the side effects to Phenergan. She started to cry and gave me a huge hug! She said You look so beautiful! I needed to see you today...the Lord knew I need to see you like this...all better and back to normal. The lord also knew I needed to see Alisha that day. I needed closer from this entire experience. For those five days I couldn't talk about my experience because every time I started to I had flash backs, I would feel anxiety. Seeing Alisha that day gave me the strength I needed to overcome my feelings about what had happened and be able to talk about it. (tender mercy #9) The Lord knows us, each of us. How wonderful it is to know that :)

More Pics of Harper